Broken

12 Sep

As I write this I am miscarrying my baby.

It is very painful.

Physically, yes, but emotionally–spiritually–much more so.

I feel…so…broken.

And I miss my tiny baby.  My itty bitty baby who never had a heartbeat, but who we loved nonetheless.  I am (was?) seven weeks pregnant with our second child.  Ruby, our first, is delightful and brave.  And busy.  Always busy.  At 18 months she is in desperate need of a sibling, and I am oh so ready to give her one.

I’ve been ready, for awhile now, but just wasn’t getting pregnant.  Finally we used the First Response Ovulation Test and conceived the first month.  We found out on August 18th.  We were ecstatic.

I started spotting a week and a half ago, and went in for an ultrasound.  Everything looked ok and it was still a little early for a heartbeat, but I sensed that something was amiss.  I didn’t feel pregnant–I felt amazing, energetic–and thought that maybe I was just very lucky this time around.  Maybe I would avoid the nausea and crushing exhaustion I had experienced with Ruby.  Outwardly I attributed this to paleo.

Deep down inside I think I knew.

Yesterday the spotting got worse.  After consulting with the advice nurse over the phone I went in for an ultrasound and a chat with one of the midwives.   I had the same ultrasound tech as last week, and she was so nice.  She took a long time, but still could not detect a heartbeat, and the baby had not grown since last week.

The midwife, Laura, broke the news that we would lose the baby.  She was lovely and reassuring and kind.  She said all the right things: that I had no trouble getting pregnant, that I carried Ruby to term, that I would have more beautiful, healthy babies.  I sobbed and sobbed.  Matty, my mom, and Ruby were all there with me.  They were sad too, but rocks for me to lean on.  Laura said that she would do a blood test to be sure, and then we could discuss my options: miscarrying at home, with or without medication; or a D&C.

I didn’t end up needing any confirmation, nor did I have time to think about options.  Last night, shortly after arriving home from the hospital, the bleeding and cramping got exponentially worse, and lasted through the night.  I tried to sleep, to no avail.  I cried, watched reruns of sitcoms on late-night TV, and came downstairs to start writing this post.  Eventually the pain subsided enough for me to fall into an uncomfortable sleep.

Yesterday was the eleventh anniversary of 9/11.  Compared to the tragedy of that horrible day, my pain is tiny, minuscule.  To me it is vast and deep.  We will never know this baby, never hold him or her in our arms.  Ruby will never kiss the baby’s tiny cheek.

Now I understand why expectant mothers wait until after the first trimester to announce a pregnancy.  I dislike keeping secrets, especially happy ones, and there is no history of miscarriage among my maternal grandmother (nine children), my mother (five), or my older sister (four).  We joke that God gave us child-bearing hips for a reason.  At 30 I am still young; surely this couldn’t happen to me.

So I told people, and now I have to un-tell them, and that just seems like a terrible burden right now.

know that I am blessed beyond measure; with a loving, supportive husband and family, and with a daughter who is precocious and sweet.  We wanted this baby, had already carved out a space for him or her, and I am not yet ready to let go and move on.

Goodbye sweet baby, you are loved.  I carry you in my heart.

Advertisements

19 Responses to “Broken”

  1. mynotsogerberbaby September 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm #

    Sarah,

    I’m so heartbroken for you. I wish I had better words, or was close enough to give you a good strong hug. I know we’re weren’t close, but please know that prayers, love, and positive thoughts are being sent your way tonight and over your healing period. I hope you and your beautiful family find peace and calm in this trying time.

    Lots of love mama. I’m sure that you all with be blessed with another gorgeous, healthy baby when its time.

    Thinking of you! And thank you for sharing…. its incredibly brave.

    • sarahshellock September 13, 2012 at 6:08 am #

      Thank you so much Joan. I feel like you and I have grown closer with our little almost-twin girls. I do so appreciate your kindness.

  2. Jane September 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm #

    I’m so sorry, Sarah. I am thinking of you. Xoxo

    • sarahshellock September 13, 2012 at 6:08 am #

      Thanks Jane. I want to see you and your lovely family soon.

  3. Ashley Morrison September 12, 2012 at 6:42 pm #

    Sarah,

    I’m not sure if you’re willing/want to talk to a stranger, but my mother lost 5 between my brother and me and is very supportive. Please let me know if her contact information would be helpful to you.

    Lots of love,
    Ashley Morrison

    • sarahshellock September 13, 2012 at 6:10 am #

      Ashley, I would very much like to get in touch with your mom. This just isn’t common in my family and I would love some advice. Thank you and miss you friend.

  4. Mariellen September 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    i am crying reading this. sobbing. ryan doesn’t know what to do right now, he’s looking at me with this really confused look on his face. i can’t imagine what you’re going through. you know i know the frustrations of trying to get pregnant and not being able to, but i can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. i don’t know if i can say anything that will make you feel better, but i’ll just remind you that you know i’m always here for you even though i’m 2000 miles away. you were my mentor in san diego and you still are. i look up to you in every way possible and i know that you’ll come out of this stronger and more resilient. i think of you often, and i hope that the pain passes as quickly as possible.

    • sarahshellock September 13, 2012 at 6:11 am #

      Sweet Mariellen I know you do understand more than most. I have my fingers crossed that everything works out for you very very soon–you were born to be a wonderful mother. Thank you so much for your love and friendship.

  5. Jessica Smith September 13, 2012 at 3:54 am #

    Sweet Sarah. I’m so sorry. We love you and are praying for you.

    • sarahshellock September 13, 2012 at 6:12 am #

      Jessica I was so glad to hear about the arrival of Baby Oliver–he was such a source of joy amid my sadness. Blessings to you and all of your beautiful boys.

  6. Diane Mayhugh September 13, 2012 at 9:36 am #

    Sarah, this post broke my heart. I did not even know that you had gotten pregnant again and know how much you and Matty had wanted to grow your family. I know that you will eventually have a large, happy family. You carry so much maternal instinct and boundless love. There are many trials to our faith and strengths, and I know that you and your family will get through it. God Bless! My prayers are with you!

  7. Lindsey September 13, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    Oh Sarah, I am so sorry for you! But have hope! I went through this exact same thing 3 months ago, right around 7 weeks also and it was very scary. Like you, I had no history of miscarriage in my family and we had already told my husband’s side that we were pregnant again. I don’t know why I wasn’t very emotional about it though. I hadn’t had time to get attached to the baby yet and we had just started trying. I guess you just have to know that miscarriage is nature’s way of making sure that we are more likely to have healthy babies, and that they happen all the time. I think the statistic I saw was like 1 in 6 pregnancies results in miscarriage. Like I said, have hope – I am already pregnant again – shhhhh! I hope that you feel better, and know that one day you will meet your baby in heaven. Love and prayers your way.

  8. Katie September 13, 2012 at 6:36 pm #

    Sarah, I am so so sorry for you and Matty. I cannot imagine what your’e feeling and I will pray for you. We miss you. xoxo

  9. Rachel September 13, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    Love you my sweet sister! You have all of our love and support. We so wish that we could come home and give you a big hug but you are in our thoughts and prayers. xo

  10. Jill September 15, 2012 at 2:37 pm #

    Sarah, I am so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I have no phone service, but we will be home tomorrow. Gram and I will give you a call. I love you all. Jill

  11. Keri Pate September 20, 2012 at 10:01 pm #

    Sarah,

    I am so very sorry for your loss. If this wasn’t your blog I would say you we’re telling my story of my miscarriage. It’s such a hard thing to go through and I know what you are going through. I wish you comfort and healing. I am crying as I type this because I truly know the heartbreak you are going through. You call me anytime you need a friend. I know how hard it was feeling like you are going through this alone. I was the first in mine and eddies family to lose a baby and no one knew the pain and heart break I was experiencing. I am here for you.

    Keri

  12. Suzanne Hopkins September 27, 2012 at 10:19 pm #

    Oh my Sarah. I was so inspired by your FB hiatus blog that I too left FB for awhile. I did it the day before this happened. I am so terribly sorry for all of your loss. I wish I could be there to give you a great big hug, and hope that it takes even a little bit of your pain away. I love you so dearly and am here for you if you need to chat.

    My thoughts and prayers are extend to the lovely Shellock family. I love you all! Miss you a ton!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Rainbow Baby « Loudmouth Mommy - December 28, 2012

    […] the aftermath of my devastating miscarriage on September 11th, I did a ton of research about grieving over lost babies, the likelihood of […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: